Oh shit! "Earmuffs,PLEASE!"

I, like so may other Mommies, am guilty of the occasional stubbed toe “Damn it!”, or the lost keys “F*bomb!” or even the I just busted my shin on the coffee table ,”Sonofabitch!” but I really do try to keep my inner sailor in check….around my girls. ( I know, not very lady like. My Mom is mortified). And other than that week a couple years ago when Gabs decided to run around the house screaming”F*CK!” incessantly like a little mafioso on a tirade, we’ve not really had a problem with too much cursing. They’ll hear it, they’ll try it, we tell them no, they get bored they move on..Bada Bing Bada Boom , Foggedaboutit(Holy shit,,,I just got possessed by Tony Soprano for a minute!) There’s always this little voice inside me that keeps warning me..”filter woman, filter!” But I keep on keeping on, and get caught in a moment and sometimes not so savory words come falling out of my mouth, despite my best efforts. Anyways, I’ve been getting worried you know with Catholic school just around the corner and all. How am I supposed to explain  that my beautiful, innocent little girl can probably sling cursed laced insults with the best of them? I’m assuming and I know for sure that she can use them in the appropriate context because they have already proven that..with the exception of Gabs’ tourette’s like f bomb tirade, but I digress.

The point being, the girls have been saying  things that , though we giggle now, I am sure come fall..I won’t be amused in the least. Especially when I have to explain where she learned it from. But something else has been happening that has made me completely forget about the curse words that may or may not come out of my 5 and 3 year olds mouth. Yes, something much , much worse.No? You don’t believe there could be anything worse than your kids telling some nun to eff off? Well, what about these gems…
Gabs:” Girls, Pull your tits!” (in English, Girls, cool your jets!)
Gabs: (While escorting me around the yard as I picked up the dog poop with the pooper scooper..oh the joy! Gabs was running around the yard like a shit seeking missile ,pointing and yelling to id the aforementioned “poop” )This is what she yelled on a warm summer day, as all of our neighbors looked on,” Mommy! DOG SHIT!!!!!”
Yeah, thank God that wasn’t embarrassing.

So, you can see my concern. But something even much worse happened this weekend and put everything into perspective for me. I have a colorful vocabulary, I am a hand talker, and I like to use metaphors and all kinds of language manipulation to illustrate my points but they are very seldom to be taken literally. But, I forgot…3 and 5 year olds don’t understand the difference. Over the otherwise fantastically family filled Fourth of July weekend, I was having a discussion with my MIL about  her son, my husband, doing something ridiculous.I think my exact words were, “He better take a pill or he better not be surprised when I stab him in his sleep!(this was said with a chuckle and a smile)” Obviously, I was saying he needed to calm down or I would hurt him, which really meant..”Dear Husband, stop being a butt face and please calm the eff down. Love your biggest fan!” But Bella, she just doesn’t get that ( plus, to be honest) I totally didn’t even realize that the little ninja was in the house when I said it. Last I knew, she was outside with the prospective stabbing victim playing volleyball or covering her sister in S’mores in hopes of feeding her to the ants, or something of the like. I found out that she was in the house when my husband approached me and said, “Hey, so ..you’re going to stab me in my sleep now?” I wasn’t quite sure if he was serious or if he was crazy and I said, “WHAT?” Yeah, apparently my 5 year old went outside and called her Dad over to the side to inform him of this, “Hey Daddy, Mommy said she’s going to stab you in your sleep!” WOW! Needless to say, I had to have a talk with her to assure her that I  indeed was NOT going to stab her Daddy in his sleep, nor would I ever hurt him in any way. I tried to explain  that I was using colorful language to illustrate a point and be funny but in fact, it was inappropriate and I should not have said it in the first place. Her answer, ” I know Mommy. You were just saying that Daddy was being a grouch and he better stop it! It’s not like you said you were going to choke him out!” Wow! Oh Shit! Can I get some earmuffs over here for this kid? Maybe some perma pink ones that I can leave in at all times and remove only when I need to speak with her. I would really prefer she not start Kindergarten by telling some nun that I said I was going to stab her Daddy while he slept..that’s not very christian and I’m pretty sure the school might put a call into DCFS. The moral of the story being..be on the look out for tiny ninja’s before ever speaking in metaphor , irony, allegory, or simile!

About Deborah Cruz

The founder/editor of The TRUTH about Motherhood http://www.motherhoodthetruth.com
This entry was posted in chinese telephone, earmuffs, little ninjas, miscommunications, misunderstandings. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Oh shit! "Earmuffs,PLEASE!"

  1. Carrie says:

    Oh that is hysterical!

  2. LOL! Even though my little guy is too small to repeat us I'm trying to get my dear hubby to stop saying things now so when the baby is older it won't be so bad. Ugh! Its so hard.

  3. Haha, that's too funny about the stabbing! I have to filter like a mad woman – especially in the car. My 2.5 year old has picked up "COME ON, GOOO cars, go" from me and has told me "we honk at them when they are in our way." Yikes!

  4. ~J says:

    LMAO! You can't even know how much I feel you on this!

  5. My husband is always asking me where our daughter picks up her sayings. I always just shake my head and say "I have no idea. It couldn't have been me. Really." Your daughter's response to what you said when you talked to her about it being inappropriate was funny.

  6. Hahahaha been there done that! I swear the things kids do or say. What's crazy is that sometimes people take them literally. Geez people where is your sense of humor!

  7. Ok. I am still laughing. This is so funny and REAL! I too have a bit of a potty mouth, although I do try to "filter" it more (or less – mainly less). I always "joke" with my hubby too about stabbing him in his sleep … yes, may be morbid, but it works for us 🙂

  8. Nikki says:

    I'm in need of some seriuos earmuffs for my house. I obviously have a huge potty mouth!! Thats why I try to write it all out on my blog and then I can refrain from it at home!!!Love that she told your hubs that you were going to stab him….totally something that Mia will probably be repeating at some time!Your girls are way too cute!! And it is hard not to giggle!!Loves!!

  9. Oh, your girls are as funny as you are! In my family, my boys pick up their curse words from Grandma. She swears like a trucker!

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