It won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long. I know it seems like I have been dwelling on this topic lately but its just been that kind of a week. My little girls seem to be growing up at lightening speed this summer and , quite honestly, its breaking my heart a little bit. Where did my chubby little newborns crying for me to breastfeed them in the middle of the night go? I may have been terminally exhausted but it was a blissful exhaustion. I wore my exhaustion proudly as some sort of badge, screaming to the world, I am A Mommy! I am AWESOME! It’s true there is a feeling of entitlement that comes with giving birth. Nothing feels quite like it. Sure, I complained about having no sleep, and was constantly questioning the Gods why she never stopped crying. But secretly,(shhhh) I really didn’t mind at all. Much like  I never really minded the unplanned co-sleeping, kissing booboos, or being the only person who could make their world right again. The same way I never minded having to lay down and cuddle them to get them to sleep, or have a lost lovey fed exed in from Grandma ChaCha because my toddler was inconsolable nor did I mind the tears they shed when I left them for the first time with someone else because ,secretly, I loved it all!I love being their everything even if it is a drag sometimes.
It seemed a lifetime before my little babies were capable of doing the simplest of tasks. Then ,it was like I looked away for a moment and suddenly , they were capable. Every milestone filled us with elation and pride. That first word couldn’t come fast enough; hearing their voices for the first time was like hearing the voice of God. Then quickly came rolling over, crawling, cruising, walking, all happened so fast it was like every accomplishment was hurled at me and knocked me onto my ass to sit helplessly and be witness to it all. The thing that no one ever tells you is that with every single new accomplishment, new worries ensue. Of course I wanted them to be more independent. But with each  iota of independence they gained, I had to relinquish a little bit of my heart. I am so proud to be the Mommy of such bright and independent little girls, but the pride is short lived and quickly  heartache takes its place, as I realize soon ….they won’t need me at all!
I can hardly believe how fast these past 5 years have passed and how much my life has changed from having my girls. Having them has certainly given me a greater purpose and increased my quality of life exponentially, in most regards. I can barely stand the thought that one day, in the not so distant future, I won’t be able to see them every day, and worse, they won’t mind.Why doesn’t anyone tell us about this before we get pregnant. The letting go has got to be the hardest part of Motherhood. I used to think they couldn’t live without me, but really, it’s me who will have difficulty surviving without seeing them every day. How do you survive when your heart has left your body? How do you function? They are like oxygen to my soul.Not in some creepy,I’m going to lock them in the basement until they are 40 type of way, I just mean how can you love someone so much and be expected to exist without them in your life at full capacity?
These precious moments that we have the privilege of being part of in our children’s lives pass by far too quickly.My rational self knows this is how this relationship is supposed to play out; my heart, however, has major problems with this whole situation and I am not afraid tell you, I think it is is trying to organize a coup on my good sense.This makes me reexamine my relationship with my own Mother. One day it will be me waiting patiently at home for my girls to call, and  its likely that the calls will never come soon or frequent enough. Soon, I will be the one wanting and needing their attention. Sorry, Mom! Hey, attention, none of this coming back around shit! I said I was sorry! Mom already has you working in cahoots with her to give me ” a couple little girls that act just like you (me)!” So, karma, lets stop all the craziness. I don’t want what I gave , I want more from my relationship with my own girls!
I just hope the Mother /Daughter relationship with my girls grows into friendship as they grow up.I want to be a woman who they look up to , want to emulate, and spend time with because of the kind of woman I am not just because they have to because I gave birth to them. I want them to come to me for advice and honesty and value my opinion. This is something that I have to work at now, because it won’t be like this for long.
But for now, I am going to cherish every single moment of co-sleeping snuggling and random “I LOVE YOU”s that I can get my hands on!

I had to share this video because, as some of you know, this is the song that my Bella looked me in the eyes and said ,”Mommy, this is me and your song!” She was dead serious and I was stopped dead in my tracks and brought to tears; as I am every single time I hear this damn song!I’m telling you, these girls of mine…they have got to stop growing up so fast!

About Deborah Cruz

The founder/editor of The TRUTH about Motherhood
This entry was posted in ABBA, children growing up, DArius Rucker, It won't belike this for long, Slippin through my fingers. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to It won’t be like this for long

  1. Marlene says:

    Well written! Enjoy them. They do grow…FAST. I'm the mother of two girls….19 and 22 (Years).We still have a fantastic relationship, I'm happy to say! (But I do wonder, how the heck did they get to be young adults already? Wasn't it just a little while ago I was reading to them?!)

  2. Casey says:

    Time flies, it is so hard to believe. I have a daughter going into first grade another in kindergarten and then my youngest is almost 2. WOW

  3. Laina says:

    awwww….this was a really sweet and heartfelt post. My daughter is only 2 but I, too, feel mixed feelings towards milestones…a wonderful achievement but one step closer to complete independence. She is my world and I couldn't imagine my daily life without her a part of it. It's all part of the process I guess.

  4. I understand, when my youngest was an infant she wanted nothing to do with anyone but me. I went for weeks on two hours of sleep a day, and I complained (loudly) but secretly I reveled in my mama's girl.Great post.

  5. Missy says:

    Stop making me cry! I love my mama's boys and soak it all up, too. I wholeheartedly understand what you're saying.

  6. Mommy Spirit says:

    I LOVE this post. You have such a way with words. My little boy is going to be two in August. Some days feel very long, but I keep reminding myself that the irony of life is that in a few more years, I'll be wishing he was two again. And, yes, I'm not looking forward to the time when he goes off to college and forgets about calling his mommy–I will be heartbroken for sure. Savor the moments. Happy Thursday!

  7. Kimi Jo says:

    Hey,you're not supposed to get me all teary eyed first thing in the morning, I have work to do damn it! Actually I think I'll get off the computer and go hang out with my kids. Thanks for reminding me of what's important, I think I needed to hear that today!

  8. Adelle says:

    "Waving goodbye, with an absent-minded smile…"agh. this really gets to me at the end of every school year. I may be a boymom, but it's the same feelings as they grow up and gallivant off to their adventures! Not to mention, I've been without my precious 7 year old for a week now. I'm bereft!This song, and especially how it's represented in the movie, really reminds me of the relationship I had with my mom before she died. I would sit on her lap many-a-time as a grown girl and she would huge and kiss away my hurts.Thank you SO much for stopping by; clearly we have lots in common! Happy to find you and read more!

  9. Jacque says:

    "But for now, I am going to cherish every single moment of co-sleeping snuggling and random "I LOVE YOU"s that I can get my hands on!"I totally agree! I love that Darius Rucker song too! It does seem to be flying by. I keep looking at my 18 mth old and thinking – where did my baby go? We have to just enjoy it. I do hope some of the same things as you – that we will have a great relationship when they grow up and feel like they can come back to me for advice, help, etc. We'll see!

  10. They grow up so quickly and in the blink of an eye no longer want us there all the time. They have friends that become smarter and more important. Ok well not really more important but they certainly want to spend more time w/ them then us. The song Slipping Through My Fingers makes me cry, every single time I hear it. I can't believe my little girl is 15 already and growing up so quickly.

  11. You're awesome! I have an award for you on my page

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